Monday, 25 April 2016

Guest Post: Alex Humm, Martial: the Movie

From the mighty hand of Alex Humm, a first-year student in my Martial seminar, and written for the creative-writing exercise that brought you Gotham's Martial:

Martial’s Rome: The Movie Documentary Drama Opera

(Fade into a panning shot across the Roman Forum from the Palatine Hill. The forum appears to be full of people. A heavy bass drum beat can be heard. It sounds slow and ominous)
You Romans. You believe you live in a civilised age. The most civilised age to date. Your men, strong. Your women, pure.
(The panning shot ends facing our Hero atop the Palatine Hill, Martial. He is blonde, obviously very muscled underneath his toga. He has a sly smile on)
Oh my sweet children, could you be anymore wrong.
(A bright flash transitions to Martial, walking through the forum towards the camera which keeps a consistent metre away from him. He parts the crowd as he walks. Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars plays)
(To camera) My name is Marcus Valerius Martialis, but you can call me Martial for short. I’m not rich, I’m not posh, if I had to call myself anything, it’d be modest. Originally from Hispania, but a Roman through and through. I like long walks to the temple of Venus, and most of all, gossip. Forget the Spectacles, this is my new Magnum Opus.
(Jump cut to Martial laying in front of the temple of Saturn)
I’m here to tell you everything, absolutely everything that goes on behind closed doors in our great capital of Roma. And if you think that’ll offend you, don’t watch it. And if you still watch it, don’t complain about it.
(Text appears on a black background)
From the critically acclaimed book series ‘Epigrams’
(Cut to Martial in the slums of Rome)
From the smelly, dirty poor people. I mean, Plebs
(Cut to Martial, once again on the Palatine Hill, in front of an ornate door with a laurel tree either side of him)
To the positively stinking rich and powerful elite
(On a black background)
Written, Directed and Produced by Rome’s most eminent writer ever, Martial.
(Cut to a close up of Martial)
Did you hear about that lady down the road?
(The camera spins 180 degrees to an unidentified Roman)
Which lady?
(Back to Martial)
The one with the black hair
(Back to Roman)
Oh yeah, what about her?
(Back to Martial)
Totally dyes it
(Back to Roman)
I knew it! No-one can have hair that Raven black at her age!
(Cut to Martial, being fed grapes by a servant)
See all the lesbian antics, adultery, lying, stealing and cheating. And if you’re lucky, I’ll even put in proper sex scenes.
(Cut to a wide shot of Martial in a bar, surrounded by people chattering and gossiping)
Someone says: Hey, did you hear about Domitian? Apparently he was seen in the Argiletum!
(Camera zooms in on Martial’s horrified face)
That must all be lies, he is the emperor and is above all reproach.
(Martial turns his head to a camera next to him)
Even I know where to draw the line, I ain’t getting exiled! The country is boring as shit!
(On a black background)
Coming AD 105, Martial’s Rome: The Movie Documentary Drama Opera. All characters appearing in this work could, maybe be fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Probably.

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